Stiff upper lip time

Two posts in two days. Something is up, I hear you say.

Sadly you are right, and this one may not be any easier to read than it will be to write. My customary jocular tone may even dip a little. But it has to be done.

This morning Clare and I made another trip to Ninewells to get the results of my last scan from Dr Adamson.

They are not good. In technical language I am fuckt.

The tumours have grown and multiplied both in my lungs and in my brain.

We discussed 3 possible ways ahead.

First was do nothing.
Second is a course of traditional chemotherapy. This might have some beneficial effects on my lung tumours, but the brain is very efficient at keeping out molecules of this size and this would have little effect on the brain tumours. Essentially I am less scared of dying than I am of being altered by whatever is happening  or might be about to happen in my brain.

So we are opting for number three.

This is a course of full brain radiotherapy. This seems to offer me the best chance of extending the marvellous window of health I have enjoyed, and be in no doubt I have enjoyed every minute of the last, bonus 18 months.
The side effects seem a reasonable risk, tiredness is almost certain and this might threaten my walking. Nausea is possible, but drugs will help. I may lose my hair. I feel guilty every time I laugh about this possibility, it is nothing to me but it is very important to many people.

So here we are. I don't know how long I have, not years certainly and little idea how many months, but I am still remarkably fit. I will continue to laugh inappropriately, to hate the tory party, to welcome friends, to drink beer (other beverages will be consumed). I will accept invitations and will do my best to make it on the day

The word brave reared its head again this morning but I can assure yout that bravery is not my secret, love is.
Since my diagnosis I have been cocooned in love. By friends who have stepped closer when they could have walked on by.
By two extraordinarily loving families, the Peddies and the Endeans.
And above all by Nikki, Elton, James, Ben and the extraordinary Clare. They have enough courage to share with me to make me look good.